Moot Goodbye

I used to believe I would say goodbye.
I would stand before you, an equal, unafraid -
and tell you that I forgive what I could not tolerate.
But the day never came.

You died, bullying to the last, surrounded by strangers paid to tolerate your vituperation.
Somehow I knew you were gone, though no one bothered to make the call.
Googled the proof; seeing is believing.
Confirmation stunned me for a day before grief descended.

I wasn’t sad you are gone; that was a relief.
I was sad I never got to play out that scene I had imagined,
The one where I stand before you and say goodbye,
The one where I am stronger than you,
The one that gives me the upper hand.

I was sad that the Daddy I loved was not to be trusted,
That the relationship I imagined was never real.
I was sad for the childhood you destroyed
And the fear you built in me that I carry with me still.

I am sad for the love you gave up when you drove me away,
Sad that you were on your own at the end, among people who had no stake in your redemption.
I am sad for what made you what you were;
You were a victim first and a monster second.

I wish your life could have been different,

So that my life could have been different.

Goodbye.


Moot Goodbye is © Stephanie Mesler 2021