1. If someone says they have been sexually abused in any way, believe them. If they are female, believe them. If they are male, believe them. Believe the children and the old men. Believe the black women and the white teens. Believe the gay men, the lesbians, and the transgendered. If they tell you the hour after it happened, believe them. If they wait 40 years, believe them.
2. Accept the right of the victim to tell the story their own way, in their own time. It is their story, not yours. If someone has shared an abuse story with you, it means they think highly of you. They trust you. Don't screw that up by pushing them to say more, or say it differently, than they choose.
3. Accept the right of a victim or survivor not to tell at all. If you are aware that someone you know has been sexually abused, assaulted, or harassed, don't approach them about it. Let them tell you in their own time. Or not. That choice is theirs. Definitely, don't push them to report the event if they do not want to do so. Maybe, they'll be ready to report at some point in the future. Maybe, they won't. That choice, too, is theirs.
4. Remember that sexual assault of all kinds is about power. It's not about sex. It's about creating victims and wielding power over them.
5. Remember that those who hold power will be inclined to sympathize with others who hold power. The police and other authorities hold power. So do victimizers, at least in the moments when they are committing their crimes. There is an unfortunate tendency for officials to have more empathy for victimizers than victims.
5. Remember that those in power will do whatever they can to discredit one who challenges that power. Power will not be easily ceded. Not by a rapist and not by the community that shields the rapist.
6. Remember that sociopaths are charming. Also, remember that, no matter how credible or charming or accomplished a victimizer is, he or she is still a victimizer. Don't be swayed by winning smiles and sharp wit.
7. Know that you know people who have been sexually assaulted. Even if no one has ever told you they have been assaulted, this is true. More women have been sexually assaulted, harassed, or abused than not. Really. There are also many men who have been sexually assaulted, harassed, or abused. They are even less inclined to report the crimes to authorities than women. Transgendered endure more abuse of all kinds than the rest of the adult population. That leaves the children. Abuse against kids is the most under-reported of all, because children often do not know how to report or who to trust. If a victim is young enough, they may not even realize that they have anything to report.
8. If a victim is discredited, remain skeptical of the evidence that exonerated the victimizer. I'm not saying you should fully disbelieve evidence. Of course, it is possible for a person to be wrongly accused. However, after re-reading numbers 4, 5, and 6 above, seriously consider the likelihood that a victim may have told the truth, no matter what the "evidence" might indicate.
2. Accept the right of the victim to tell the story their own way, in their own time. It is their story, not yours. If someone has shared an abuse story with you, it means they think highly of you. They trust you. Don't screw that up by pushing them to say more, or say it differently, than they choose.
3. Accept the right of a victim or survivor not to tell at all. If you are aware that someone you know has been sexually abused, assaulted, or harassed, don't approach them about it. Let them tell you in their own time. Or not. That choice is theirs. Definitely, don't push them to report the event if they do not want to do so. Maybe, they'll be ready to report at some point in the future. Maybe, they won't. That choice, too, is theirs.
4. Remember that sexual assault of all kinds is about power. It's not about sex. It's about creating victims and wielding power over them.
5. Remember that those who hold power will be inclined to sympathize with others who hold power. The police and other authorities hold power. So do victimizers, at least in the moments when they are committing their crimes. There is an unfortunate tendency for officials to have more empathy for victimizers than victims.
5. Remember that those in power will do whatever they can to discredit one who challenges that power. Power will not be easily ceded. Not by a rapist and not by the community that shields the rapist.
6. Remember that sociopaths are charming. Also, remember that, no matter how credible or charming or accomplished a victimizer is, he or she is still a victimizer. Don't be swayed by winning smiles and sharp wit.
7. Know that you know people who have been sexually assaulted. Even if no one has ever told you they have been assaulted, this is true. More women have been sexually assaulted, harassed, or abused than not. Really. There are also many men who have been sexually assaulted, harassed, or abused. They are even less inclined to report the crimes to authorities than women. Transgendered endure more abuse of all kinds than the rest of the adult population. That leaves the children. Abuse against kids is the most under-reported of all, because children often do not know how to report or who to trust. If a victim is young enough, they may not even realize that they have anything to report.
8. If a victim is discredited, remain skeptical of the evidence that exonerated the victimizer. I'm not saying you should fully disbelieve evidence. Of course, it is possible for a person to be wrongly accused. However, after re-reading numbers 4, 5, and 6 above, seriously consider the likelihood that a victim may have told the truth, no matter what the "evidence" might indicate.
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